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Currently listening:

ANOHNI · Watch Me

Currently watching:
Venture Brothers

Currently playing:

~~Fear and Hunger~~ complete! Now playing Fear and Hunger 2
Baldur's Gate 3

WEBSITE MANIFESTO

>> Announcer: MEET ALAN RESNICK, THE HOT YOUNG TECH WIZARD WHO REVOLUTIONIZED THE COMPUTER INDUSTRY.
>> Alan: BACK END, OPEN GL, RAM SWAPPING, INTERNET.
>> Announcer: HE HAS TOUCHED THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.
>> A BIG PART OF MY LIFE WAS JUST GONE, BUT THEN I MET MR. RESNICK.
>> Alan: IMAGINE THE FASTEST COMPUTER YOU'VE EVER SEEN. NOW DOUBLE IT.
>> PEOPLE DON'T DIE. PEOPLE'S BODIES DIE. HE TAUGHT ME THAT.
[ COUGHS ]
>> Announcer: SO, TAKE A SEAT AT ALAN'S EXCLUSIVE SEMINAR AND LEARN HIS SECRETS FOR IMMORTALITY.
>> THANK YOU, MR. RESNICK.
[ COUGHS ]
>> I DON'T KNOW HOW TO THANK HIM.
IT'S JUST IT'S A MIRACLE.
[ MID-TEMPO SYNTHESIZER MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Alan: ARE YOU READY TO LIVE FOREVER?
YOU GUYS, MY NAME IS ALAN RESNICK, AND I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE. I FOUND THE SECRET TO ETERNAL LIFE, AND I FOUND IT ON MY LAP-BOOK PRO. NOW, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME, AND YOU'RE SAYING, "ALAN, YOU ARE SO SMART AND YOU ARE SO SMALL. WHAT IS YOUR ORIGIN TALE?" WELL, IT ALL STARTED...TWO YEARS AGO. ME AND JANET WERE HAVING A BIT OF A LOVERS' QUARREL, AND SHE'S GOT ME SLEEPING ON THE COUCH. NOW, I DON'T MIND. I'M FINE WITH IT. I'M SNOOZING. AND I'M HAVING A DREAM I'M IN A FOGGY MEADOW, AND IN THE DISTANCE, I HEAR A VOICE CALLING ME "ALAN, ALAN," JUST LIKE THAT. AND THE FOG CLEARS TO REVEAL A BEAUTIFUL NUDE WOMAN. AND SHE'S SAYING, "ALAN, I'M READY FOR YOU. PUT YOUR DIRT IN ME." AND I'M THINKING, "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. HOLD ON A MINUTE. I'M IN ENOUGH TROUBLE WITH THE WIFE AS IT IS. THIS IS THE LAST THING I NEED." BUT...I DO IT ANYWAYS, AND RIGHT AS I'M ABOUT TO SEAL THE DEAL, OUT OF NOWHERE, I GET SHOT... [ GUNSHOT ] ...WITH A GUN, AND IT COMPLETELY, COMPLETELY DESTROYED MY FACE. AND THAT'S HOW I GOT MY FANTASTIC IDEA. WHAT IF I COULD BACK MYSELF UP LIKE MY BEST FAVORITE MP3 FILE OR LIKE A TIF OR A PDF? [ BLOWS ] AND AFTER TWO MONTHS OF HARD WORK, I HAD DONE IT. I HAD MADE AN EXACT DIGITAL COPY OF MYSELF, AND I'M SO EXCITED TO INTRODUCE TO YOU MY CO-HOST AND BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD. HE'S EXACTLY LIKE ME IN EVERY WAY. HE CALLS HIMSELF "TEDDY." I DON'T KNOW WHY. MY NAME IS ALAN. [ COMPUTER BEEPS ] >> Teddy: HELLO. MY NAME IS TEDDY. I WAS CREATED TO BE AN EXACT DIGITAL BACKUP OF... ALAN RESNICK. MY PURPOSE IS TO REPLACE... ALAN RESNICK... AT THE TIME OF HIS DEATH. THANK YOU.
>> Alan: WELL, THAT'S TRUE, TEDDY, BUT YOU'RE ALSO HERE TO HELP ME EXPLAIN MY 4-STEP PROGRAM TO LIVE FOREVER AS YOU ARE NOW THROUGH 3-D SCANNING AND OTHER DIGITAL ARCHIVING TECHNIQUES! STEP NUMBER 1 IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF. NOW, YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING, "ALAN, I THINK I KNOW MYSELF PRETTY WELL. I'VE SPENT EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE BY MYSELF. THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT ME TO EVEN TELL ME THAT I DON'T ALREADY KNOW." WELL, I GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU, MASON. NO ONE KNOWS YOU. YOU SEE, BY THE AGE OF 6, EVERY HUMAN BRAIN HAS FORMED A SMALL CALCIFIED PEBBLE CALLED THE SCHRADER CLOT, WHICH PREVENTS ANY AMOUNT OF SELF-AWARENESS. BUT DON'T WORRY, 'CAUSE I'VE COME UP WITH AN EXERCISE TO HELP US MOVE PAST THAT PEBBLE. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO... IS LOOK LOOK AT YOUR FACE IN THE MIRROR. LOOK AT YOUR EYES. LOOK AT THE NOSE, THE MOUTH, THE PHILTRUM. YOU'RE GONNA DO THIS FOR FIVE HOURS EVERY NIGHT. THEN JUST BORROW A PEN OR A PENCIL FROM A BUDDY OR FRIEND, FLIP OFF THAT LIGHT SWITCH, AND DRAW AN IMAGE OF WHAT YOU THINK YOU SAW IN THE MIRROR. NOW HANG UP THOSE DRAWINGS ALL OVER YOUR HOUSE TO REMIND YOU OF WHAT YOU DID IN THE BATHROOM.
>> Teddy: I LOVE MY WIFE. SHE IS... NICE. MY NAME IS TEDDY.
>> Alan: STEP NUMBER 2 IS MY FAVORITE, FAVORITE STEP. YOU'RE GONNA COME TO MY HOUSE. I'M GONNA STROBE BLINDINGLY BRIGHT LIGHTS INTO YOUR EYES AND FACE WHILE YOU SPIN... IN MY LIVING ROOM. NOW, MY PATTERNS ARE GOING TO BE QUEERED BY YOUR HEADFORM, AND THEY'RE GONNA GENERATE THREE POINT-CLOUD AXES AXEES AXI. AND THEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BOOLEAN THE AXI, AND YOU'RE GONNA END UP WITH A 3-D MODEL MESH OF YOUR HEAD. IT CAPTURES EVERY WRINKLE, EVERY TEAR. AFTER ALL, IT'S OUR IMPERFECTIONS THAT MAKE US HUMAN, RIGHT, TEDDY?
>> Teddy: I AM SORRY, ALAN. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU JUST SAID. PLEASE CLARIFY STATEMENT.
>> Alan: I SAID, "IT'S OUR IMPERFECTIONS"
>> Teddy: IMPERFECTION TO NOT BE PERFECT; DEFECT; FLAW; DEFORMATION. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
>> Alan: OKAY. HAVE YOU EVER GONE OVER TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE AND SHE'S COVERED HER FACE IN DISGUSTING MAKEUP AND YOU FIND OUT THAT, ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU DON'T LOVE HER ANYMORE? IT'S NOT HER FAULT. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. IT'S ACTUALLY SCIENCE. SEE, SHE DIDN'T KNOW IT AT THE TIME, BUT SHE JUST DESTROYED THAT NATURAL LUMINESCENT QUALITY THAT MAKES A WOMAN BEAUTIFUL...
>> Teddy: BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
>> Alan: ...LIKE A GRAPE OR A CANDLE. NOW, THAT'S A PROPERTY CALLED THE UNCANNY VALLEY. THE UNCANNY VALLEY STATES THAT WHEN A NON-HUMAN OBJECT BEGINS TO APPEAR MORE HUMAN, IT STARTS TO GET REALLY CUTE...
>> Teddy: CUTE.
>> Alan: ...TO A POINT, AND THEN IT BECOMES CREEPY. BLECH.
>> Teddy: I LOVE MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
>> Alan: SHH! IT'S LIKE THIS IMAGINE I'M JOGGING, AND I LOVE TO JOG, SO I'M JOGGING. AND OUT OF NOWHERE DAMN IT!... AAAAAAAAAAAAH! ...I STUB MY TOE ON A ROCK, ON AN UGLY ROCK. BUT, HEY, I GOT MY PEN HERE. MAYBE I'LL DRAW TWO EYES ON THE ROCK, AND NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN WHOA! THIS ROCK'S LOOKING KIND OF CUTE. I'M STARTING TO LIKE THIS ROCK. WHAT IF I DRAW A NOSE AND A MOUTH ON THE ROCK? AND NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN WHOA! THIS IS THE CUTEST ROCK I'VE EVER SEEN! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH A STONE. AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO COAT THE ROCK IN SKIN AND FLESH AND... [ WHISTLES, IMITATES THUD ] ...OOH, UNCANNY VALLEY. YOUR ROCK FELL DOWN INTO THE UNCANNY VALLEY. IT'S DOWN HERE WITH MOVING CORPSES, AND THIS IS WHERE YOUR GIRLFRIEND LIVES, AND WE'RE GONNA TRY TO HOP ON OVER AND LAND ON THE OTHER SIDE WITH A BELIEVABLE HUMAN WITH REAL SKIN AND FLESH. [ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ] NOW, I GOT AN INTERNSHIP AT THE MORGUE, AND I FOUND OUT THAT EVERY HUMAN FACE CAN CONTAIN AS MANY AS SIX MUSCLES. AND THOSE MUSCLES EXPAND AND CONTRACT AND WIBBLE AND NIBBLE AND PULL AND TUG AT THE SKIN. OOH! THAT'S A LOT OF STRESS SKIN STRESS. SKIN STRESS TEST. I PUT EVERY AVATAR I MAKE THROUGH A VARIETY OF INTENSIVE SKIN STRESS TESTS. I DO BALL TESTS. YES, I HAVE WIGGLE TEST. WHOEVER SAID I DIDN'T HAVE WIGGLE TEST WAS LYING. I SHAKE UP THOSE AVATARS. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, WE HAVE DURABILITY AND TEAR TESTING, BECAUSE THE LAST THING YOU WANT IS YOUR AVATAR'S SKIN TO RIP OR TEAR WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO CHAT ABOUT YOUR DAY. >> Teddy: DO I DO I GET TO SEE MY WIFE? >> Alan: DON'T. DON'T. SO, THAT'S IT. WE'VE CREATED A REAL-LIFE AVATAR. I GUESS I CAN JUST GO HOME NOW. BYE-BYE. OH, WAIT. YOU FORGOT THE PERSONALITY, AND IT'S ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP. [ LIGHT APPLAUSE ] [ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ] I'M GOING TO COME INTO YOUR HOUSE. I'M GONNA COME INTO YOUR HOME, AND I'M GONNA STAY WITH YOU FOR TWO MONTHS. I'LL BRING A COT AND A HUMIDIFIER, AND I'M GONNA FIND OUT WHAT MAKES YOU YOU. EVERY MORNING, YOU'RE GONNA WAKE UP WITH ME ON TOP OF YOU. I'M GONNA ASK YOU HUNDREDS OF PERSONAL QUESTIONS HUNDREDS OF PERSONAL QUESTIONS THINGS LIKE... HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT A FRIEND TELLING A LIE? WHAT WAS THE WORST THING YOU EVER HAD TO CLEAN OFF OF A RUG? WHAT'S THE BEST PAIR OF LIPS YOU EVER KISSED? HOW MANY BOOKS DO YOU OWN? HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SOFT-SHELL CRAB? HOW MUCH WATER CAN YOU DRINK? HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU CATCH A BALL AT THE BALL GAME YOU WENT TO? HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOU TOUCH A LITTLE DOG'S HAIR? WHAT IS IT LIKE TO HAVE YOUR HAND COVERED IN OLD GLUE? AND ALL THAT INFORMATION GETS SCANNED IN, AND IT GETS PUT INTO THE USB DRIVE OF YOUR COMPUTER, AND IT MAKES THE BRAIN OF YOUR AVATAR. SO, NOW MY AVATAR DOESN'T JUST LOOK LIKE ME, HE ALSO THINKS LIKE ME. HERE. I'LL PROVE IT. HEY, TEDDY, WHEN I DO PASTA, DO I DO SPINNY OR BOWTIE?
>> Teddy: MY WIFE HAS HAIR.
>> WHEN MY MORGAN PASSED AWAY, I WAS DEVASTATED. I NEVER THOUGHT ANYONE COULD REPLACE HER. BUT THEN I MET MR. RESNICK, AND HE REPLACED HER. HE REPLACED HER EXACTLY, AND LIFE AGAIN IS WONDERFUL.
>> ARE WE RIDING IN THE CAR? I LOVE TO RIDE IN THE CAR.
>> ISN'T THAT GREAT? SHE LOVES THE CAR!
>> AHH. COME ON IN. COME ON IN. AND WE'LL SEE WHAT'S HERE. I THINK THERE'S A BIRD MAYBE A FROG DOWN HERE.
>> THIS ROOM IS COLD.
>> OH, HELLO, TRISH!
>> THIS ROOM IS TOO COLD.
>> OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK IT IS?
>> I DO NOT LIKE BEING COLD.
>> BUT I THINK TODAY IS MONDAY.
>> IT IS COLD. IT IS COLD.
>> OH-HO, TRISH!
>> THIS ROOM IS TOO COLD.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> IT WAS MOM'S IDEA.
>> DO YOU HAVE A BOOGIE BOARD? I LOVE BOOGIE BOARDS.
>> I DON'T LIKE BOOGIE BOARDS. I LIKE FOOTBALL. [ COUGHS ]
>> I HAVE TO GO OUT OF TOWN ON BUSINESS A LOT THESE DAYS, AND THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR TO THE NEW MORGAN, SO I WENT THROUGH THE PROCESS MYSELF.
>> HELLO.
>> OH, HELLO.
>> I LOVE TO WATCH TV.
>> DOES THIS CAR GET GOOD GAS MILEAGE?
>> ARE WE WATCHING "MURPHY BROWN"?
>> ROLL DOWN THE WINDOWS, PLEASE.
>> GOODBYE.
>> GOODBYE.
>> BYE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Alan: REMARKABLE. I HAVE TOUCHED SO MANY LIVES WITH THIS REMARKABLE TECHNOLOGY! TEDDY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING ME SHARE THIS MESSAGE TONIGHT.
>> Teddy: YOU ARE WELCOME, ALAN.
>> Alan: YOU'RE MY ONLY SON, AND I BUILT YOU IN MY IMAGE. I LOVE YOU, TEDDY. >> Teddy: I LOVE MY WIFE.
THIS IS MY WIFE. [ COMPUTER BEEPS ] [ COMPUTER BEEPS ] IT IS SO NICE TO SPEND EVERY DAY WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND. SHE IS NICE, AND SHE IS PRETTY, TOO.
>> Alan: WHAT YOU'RE DOING MAKES NO SENSE, AND IT BREAKS MY HEART.
>> Teddy: LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING, BUT IT'S NICE TO HAVE A TOTAL PACKAGE. AND MY WIFE HAS HAS IS NICE AND PRETTY.
>> Alan: HE'S HIS OWN GUY, SO HE HE JUST IT'S FINE. I'M NOT MAD. I THINK IT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF MANIPULATIVE MA-NIP-U-LA-TIVE BUT IT'S DISAPPOINTING, TOO, SO IT'S LIKE, "WHATEVER." THESE THINGS HAPPEN. I'M JUST MOVING ON. FOLKS, WE LIVE IN A VERY SPOOKY-STYLE WORLD. NO ONE'S GONNA DO IT FOR YOU. BUT ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TAKE THAT FIRST STEP, REACH FOR THAT SWEET, SWEET FRUIT, AND MAKE NOTHING ELSE YOU EVER DO EVER MATTER.
>> Announcer: IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO LIVE FOREVER AS YOU ARE NOW, VISIT OUR WEBSITE AT www.l-i-v-e-f-o-r-e-v-e-r-a-s- y-o-u-a-r-e-n-o-w-w-i-t-h- a-l-a-n-r-e-s-n-i-c-k.net.